"Since you've been gone" by Kelly Clarkson
“Since you’ve been gone I can breath for the first time.” These are words from a song that I have heard over and over again while driving up and down the Northeastern coast of the good ole U.S. of A. The song brings to mind different experiences that families have come across in this time of worldwide military deployments. I have seen it previously in Korea and Bosnia, and now it is occurring with the deployments to Afghanistan and Iraq. Here is the sad sequence of events that this song brings to mind. Please keep in mind that these are events that are happening today.
A couple, be they married, engaged, or dating learn that one of them is being sent overseas. There is a commitment here. One that is undeniable and presented to the world at large. The couple parts ways as the military member goes off to serve his/her country on foreign lands. Then the couple naturally grows apart. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here, however, it brings forth the knowledge that the partner that has been left behind or the partner that has deployed is happy for the first time in a long time.
Understand that there are three states that any couple can be in: Happy, Unhappy, or Comfortable. I am overly simplifying the concepts, but they are not truly hard to comprehend. The first two are easy. The third however is a place that a lot of couples enter and do not find their way out. What is wrong with comfort you might ask, it is not happiness. After a person finds himself in a place that isn’t “too painful” reaching out for the unknown, in this case true happiness, is just to frightful to attempt. No, this person isn’t the person of my dreams. It’s an okay life though. At least that is what they say to the reflection in the mirror. Comfort though will lead to complacency, complacency will lead to struggle, and struggle will lead to pain. The disagreements and arguments will abound, but they will just be background music as misery is heaped upon a life.
Then the deployment comes along. Tears flow as the couple part. Their safe secure world is shattered by uncertainty. Then it happens. One day the drapes are pulled back and the world is revealed. One day the realization occurs that life is actually better with him/her gone. Next comes the thought of breaking up and getting a divorce. Come on, do you really want to stay in this marriage? Enjoy that freedom. Breathe the sweet air of freedom and rejoice, because you can get out of this suffocating relationship. Get that Divorce. J
My, aren’t we in for a rude awakening.L Marriage is a life commitment. True, all marriages do not last. There are times when the person that you agreed to spend the rest of your life with is not the person that you are currently looking at across the dining room table. Marriage is normally a combination of the good and the bad mix together to bring forth something new. I once read somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but having fear and overcoming it. In the same regard, a good marriage is not having an absence of bad or unhappy times, but having those bad and unhappy times, yet working through them. Work. A hard word, but it is an Honest one.
It is not the discovery of being unhappy. It is the discovery of the stagnation of comfort. People feel trapped by the path that their life has followed. Seeking to change their situation many people go for the obvious. They seek to rid themselves of the old ball and chain. Society truly frowns on divesting oneself of your children. So the answer is to go for the one easy quick, divorce. It is much easier to divorce your spouse than to make changes in yourself. The divorce will not make you happy though. Changing your life will. Change your perspective. Change your habits. Reach for that something new. Take chances. But, you may want to take your family along with you.
While these changes are going on though, don’t be selfish. Remember, there are more people in this world than just you. Your wife, your husband, has joined you for the adventure that is life. They too may be stuck in the same “comfortable” position as you. Look to the future hand in hand and who knows you may be able to grow together. You know, just like you dreamed all that time ago. Do not simply exist together, the goal is to Live together. It is called maturity. Are you ready for it?
A couple, be they married, engaged, or dating learn that one of them is being sent overseas. There is a commitment here. One that is undeniable and presented to the world at large. The couple parts ways as the military member goes off to serve his/her country on foreign lands. Then the couple naturally grows apart. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here, however, it brings forth the knowledge that the partner that has been left behind or the partner that has deployed is happy for the first time in a long time.
Understand that there are three states that any couple can be in: Happy, Unhappy, or Comfortable. I am overly simplifying the concepts, but they are not truly hard to comprehend. The first two are easy. The third however is a place that a lot of couples enter and do not find their way out. What is wrong with comfort you might ask, it is not happiness. After a person finds himself in a place that isn’t “too painful” reaching out for the unknown, in this case true happiness, is just to frightful to attempt. No, this person isn’t the person of my dreams. It’s an okay life though. At least that is what they say to the reflection in the mirror. Comfort though will lead to complacency, complacency will lead to struggle, and struggle will lead to pain. The disagreements and arguments will abound, but they will just be background music as misery is heaped upon a life.
Then the deployment comes along. Tears flow as the couple part. Their safe secure world is shattered by uncertainty. Then it happens. One day the drapes are pulled back and the world is revealed. One day the realization occurs that life is actually better with him/her gone. Next comes the thought of breaking up and getting a divorce. Come on, do you really want to stay in this marriage? Enjoy that freedom. Breathe the sweet air of freedom and rejoice, because you can get out of this suffocating relationship. Get that Divorce. J
My, aren’t we in for a rude awakening.L Marriage is a life commitment. True, all marriages do not last. There are times when the person that you agreed to spend the rest of your life with is not the person that you are currently looking at across the dining room table. Marriage is normally a combination of the good and the bad mix together to bring forth something new. I once read somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but having fear and overcoming it. In the same regard, a good marriage is not having an absence of bad or unhappy times, but having those bad and unhappy times, yet working through them. Work. A hard word, but it is an Honest one.
It is not the discovery of being unhappy. It is the discovery of the stagnation of comfort. People feel trapped by the path that their life has followed. Seeking to change their situation many people go for the obvious. They seek to rid themselves of the old ball and chain. Society truly frowns on divesting oneself of your children. So the answer is to go for the one easy quick, divorce. It is much easier to divorce your spouse than to make changes in yourself. The divorce will not make you happy though. Changing your life will. Change your perspective. Change your habits. Reach for that something new. Take chances. But, you may want to take your family along with you.
While these changes are going on though, don’t be selfish. Remember, there are more people in this world than just you. Your wife, your husband, has joined you for the adventure that is life. They too may be stuck in the same “comfortable” position as you. Look to the future hand in hand and who knows you may be able to grow together. You know, just like you dreamed all that time ago. Do not simply exist together, the goal is to Live together. It is called maturity. Are you ready for it?
posted by Zanla | 11:20 PM
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